$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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