Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
