he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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