I cannot find my penis.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
