The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
