Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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