New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
