Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Randomize
