u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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