someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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