This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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