I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
