dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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