hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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