You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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