why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
