After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
