i jhust puked up my retainher.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
