some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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