I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I can feel your judgement through the phone
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
