He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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