peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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