you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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