I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
