hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
