I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
