this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
