remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
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