Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
