Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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