its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
