Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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