I think I won the penis lottery.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
