I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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