you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
