so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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