I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
