Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
