Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
