these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
