Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
