not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
