Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
