she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
