Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
