I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
