you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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