Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
