brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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