I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
