Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
