So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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