We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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