oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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