What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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